News Story One
The school board will meet Monday to review junior Jim Stack’s request denied by principal Tonya King to grow out his hair.
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students every day asking if they also could break the dress code,” King said. “The school would be in chaos then.”
King denied Stack’s request because, the school dress code says male students’ hair “must not be longer than collar-length” and must be of natural color. King said she would love to help with a fundraiser.
“She [president of Locks of Love] said that the best way I could help would be to grow out my hair long and donate it to the group for a wig,” Stack said. “Not very many donate hair. Anyone can donate money, but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.”
Locks of Love is an organization that collects hair to make wigs for children with cancer. Every month they have to reference parents to other organizations because they don not have enough hair.
“We desperately need human hair for our wigs,” Gisel Roco, president of Locks of Love, stated. “Every month we receive about 200 request from families who cannot afford a wig for their sick child, and every month we have to turn down about 150 of those request.”
The Student Council wrote a letter to the School Board in Support of Stack. It was signed by 350 students along with a separate list of 150 students, seventy-eight who are male, who are willing to grow out their hair as well.
“It won’t be hurting anyone when my hair gets longer,” Stack said.
Stack agreed to tuck the hair into his shirt so it would not be a distraction to the other students.
“I think it’s cool that Jim wants to do this,” Castillo said. “I don’t see what the big deal is anyway. Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”
Castillo backs Stack on his decision to grow out his hair. He states that “Girls have long hair, and no one is distracted.”
Bill Valdez, school board president, says no comment as he waits until Monday at the meeting.
“We will discuss it at the board meeting next week,” Valdez said.
Good:
1.Went into good detail and backed up the quotes
2.Transitions flowed smoothly
3.Explained what locks of love was very well without taking up too much space
What you could work on:
1.Read back through and check for spelling errors
2.Maybe add more information about the quotes and what they mean
3.Try to vary sentence length
Bad:
1. Misspelled grow in quote.
2. Put why he wanted grow his in lead.
3. Misspelled don’t
Good:
1. Choose strong quotes
2. Had good transitions
3. Was not one sided
-Negative Feedback-
=Poor paragraph structure.
=Run~on sentences.
=Misspelled words.
+Positive Feedback+
=I like how you included “She [president of Locks of Love] said that…”
=It was a good idea to include what Locks of Love is.
=It was great that the end was tied to the beginning.
On Monday, the school board will meet to review junior Jim Stack’s request denied by principal Tonya King to grow out his hair. DON’T START WITH THE WHEN.
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students every day asking if they also could break the dress code,” King said. “The school would be in chaos then.”
King denied Stack’s request because, the school dress code says male students’ hair “must not be longer than collar-length and must be of natural color.” King said she would love to help with a fundraiser. DON’T NEED QUOTES AROUND THE MUST TO COLOR.
“She [president of Locks of Love] said that the best way I could help would be to grow out my hair long and donate it to the group for a wig,” Stack said. “Not very many donate hair. Anyone can donate money, but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.”
Locks of Love is an organization that collects hair to make wigs for children with cancer. Every month they have to reference parents to other organizations because they don not have enough hair.
“We desperately need human hair for our wigs,” Gisel Roco, president of Locks of Love, stated. “Every month we receive about 200 request from families who cannot afford a wig for their sick child, and every month we have to turn down about 150 of those request.”
To make sure Locks of Love has enough hair, the Student Council wrote a letter to the School Board in Support of Stack. It was signed by 350 students along with a separate list of 150 students, seventy-eight who are male, who are willing to grow out their hair as well. GET RID OF THE PHRASE TO MAKE SURE LOCKS OF LOVE HAS ENOUGH HAIR. THAT IS AN OPINION.
“It won’t be hurting anyone when my hair gets longer,” Stack said.
Stack agreed to tuck the hair into his shirt so it would not be a distraction to the other students. Gilbert Castillo, student council president, comments on the situation.
DELETE THE ENTIRE SECOND SENTENCE. IT IS NOT NEEDED.
“I think it’s cool that Jim wants to do this,” Castillo said. “I don’t see what the big deal is anyway. Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”
Castillo backs Stack on his decision to grow out his hair. He states that “Girls have long hair, and no one is distracted.”
YOU NEED AN ACTUAL TRANSITION NOT AN INTRO TO A QUOTE.
Bill Valdez, school board president, says no comment as he waits until Monday at the meeting.
“We will discuss it at the board meeting next week,” Valdez said.
Even though there was no comment, he [Valdez] said there were some good points and well-written reasons why Stack should be allowed to grow out his hair.
END ON A QUOTE PLEASE. PLEASE LOOK AT SSMITH1.WONECKS.NET FOR FORMATTING AND REWRITE. GOOD FIRST ATTEMPT.